In My Own Words

so i havent said it out loud but just so you know, you hurt me. deep. and i hate to admit that because no one wants to show her vulnerability to someone who doesnt even seem to care. now when i look at you or when i see you, i have to grit my teeth. i want to ignore you but i cant. i want to yell but i cant. because even as bad as i feel, i cant bring myself to be mean to you. does that mean i'm weak? nah, i think it's because i'm too strong to let go. i'm afraid if i let go totally, i wont find control again. there is a wall, a dam, and it's holding back years and years of frustration and anger and hurt and sadness and probably a little bit every other negative emotion you can think of. you dont deserve the brunt of all that. but i think you deserve to know how bad i feel.

then you want to pretend nothing is wrong. pretend everything is normal. yeah, i guess in the long run, things are normal, things are good. what happened cant be changed, so just put on my big girl panties and deal, right? yeah. i've done that. but dealing and forgetting are two different things. i feel such negative emotions now and i hate that. spiteful and vengeful are the most prominent. it was like living thru high school all over again. which i hated. with a passion.

i just feel so vengeful. i want you to hurt the way you hurt me. i think that i want you to fail and i think that i want to see you get your due. i think i will be pleased when others find out what kind of person you can be. but in truth, none of that will make me happy. it will just make me even sadder to know that you would be hurt and that someone else would be hurt by your actions.

and do you even know how it all started? with something i said to someone who misunderstood it. and to this day i have not ever received an apology or anything saying sorry i took it wrong or sorry i jumped off the deep end or anything. that just kind of started the downhill spiral of all the sh*t that lead to me spilling my bag of beans about the stuff i knew. i probably shouldn't have done that but i felt betrayed beyond words. i guess i felt like you were betraying me so i'd do the same thing. guess that doesnt make me any better than you. and that makes me sad. not that i want to be better than anyone, but that i stooped to a level that i hate.

i guess the worst part of all of it is knowing how quick you both were to just throw away what i thought was a great friendship. do either of you have no remorse or guilt or sadness at all that our friendship is no more? am i the only one with a conscience?? how is it so easy to lie and deceive???

i dont know if you'll read this. i dont even know if you'll know it's for you even if you do read it. if so, okay. if not, that's okay too. i just needed to "voice" it and hope it will release some of the emotional pressure it's caused in my brain and my heart.

no names. not necessary. you know who you are and i know who i am. i just wish it hadnt turned out the way it did. i know i wasnt the perfect friend, but i was true.