saturday july 30, 2011

today has been a lazy day for me. i woke up kinda late (around 1pm) because i stayed up very late (went to sleep about 3:30am). i woke up several times during the night and morning; sometimes because of weird dreams, sometime to use the bathroom, and other times because i was hurting. i guess if you subtract all the time i was awake, i didnt get as much sleep as it seems.

it's so incredibly hot outside; i went out on the porch earlier to let the dogs out to go potty and it was like walking into an oven. i cannot deal with that type of thick air, it's crazy!

i took a couple tests today. made a 96 and an 80. hmm, which one didn't i study for? LOL the answer: BOTH!! one was kind of common sense paired with knowledge i already had stored away. the other was technical stuff that wanted answers based on the textbook verbatim. 80 isnt a bad grade but it did bring my test average down from 97 to 95. not too bad. i'll just be glad when this quarter is over. i need something stimulating that will keep my interest, and these 2 classes are certainly not doing it!

i didnt blog yesterday; i came home and pretty much crashed. my brain was so tired that i probably wouldnt have made sense even if i had attempted to write something.

today i'm just contemplating the effectiveness of this blog for myself. sometimes i dont want to tell everything to people i know. not that i want to keep secrets from anyone, especially the people with whom i am closest, but everyone has personal things inside that we want to stay personal. for the most part i'm an open book to anyone who cares to read, but not everything. for instance, there are some things i'll tell my husband that i wont tell my bestest, and vice versa. there are some things i'll tell my mom, but not my kids. or things i share with my children that i dont necessarily want to tell anyone else. and there's some things i would tell strangers that i wouldnt tell anyone else, as long as the strangers dont know me lol. i would tell things anonymously, hopes and fears and secrets, but i wouldnt say them out loud to anyone i know. maybe because i dont want to be embarrassed or see reproach or disgust in their eyes or expressions. and sometimes because i guess i have trust issues deeply ingrained in my psyche. too many times i've shared things with people just to have them thrown back at me later in an argument. so i've learned to keep things back. also, i might want to vent or complain about someone i know but i'm worried if someone reads it who knows that person, they'll go back and tell them i said it. or maybe that person might read it and i dont want them to know how i feel at this particular time. ugh! it's such a dilemma.

you know, i really hate this damn hughesnet satellite internet. it's really only good for browsing or chatting. you cant really watch videos or play many games on here, which is stupid. they have a bandwidth and just about anything will run it over. i wish windstream or the cable company would get some high speed internet out this way, fast! nearly everyone on our road who has internet access has hughesnet so i know that windstream or the cable company would get their money's worth by putting it out here. there are probably 40+ people out here in this area.

anyway, i have a headache. it didn't help that a & i argued earlier, it's always over stupid stuff. i swear i dont think i was that argumentative when i was 16 but i probably was.

so now i'm just sitting here in my bedroom chilling with my gypsy-doo. she's been sick for the past week and just now seems to be getting over it. i think she's preggo (dammit!). she's lost weight and it's visible. her spirits seem to be back up though so i'm pretty sure she's feeling better.

monday is mama's birthday. she'll be 67. we get on each other's nerves on a regular basis but i'm glad she's still around and i wouldn't trade her for anything. i know other people might not like her much but that's okay. she probably doesn't like them much either. LOL

today i cleaned up in the bedroom, got up the dirty laundry, swept and mopped the floor (dont know why i had to specify the floor, there's not too many other surfaces i would be sweeping and mopping but anyway....), cleaned up after gypsy-doo, and did some schoolwork. i really need to put away clean laundry but i just cant motivate myself enough to do that too. maybe tomorrow. the laundry isnt going anywhere. lol (dane cook flashback! this is where the animal farm used to be! it went somewhere!)

now i guess i'm gonna sign offa here for now. see if i cant track down something to drink. amberly just came back from the store with sodie-pop so i'm gonna go get caffeinated! yay!

much love to u all.

~t

you can take personality tests created from research by real psychologists at www.outofservice.com. My results from "the big five" are here:

www.outofservice.com/bigfive/results/?oR=0.575&cR=0.222&eR=0.75&aR=0.389&nR=0.875%22%3EI'm%20a%20O20-C2-E79-A6-N94%20Big%20Five!!%3C/a%3E

(you will have to copy and paste this to your browser; for some reason i could not make the link work.)

this is an assignment for one of my classes. you can go to the website and take "the big five" test and find out your results.

These tests are free, instant, and anonymous. You don't have to invite your friends or subscribe to anything or even register at the site.

pics

i took a truckload of pics while i was chillin' on the front porch in the rain yesterday and i uploaded some of the pics. have a look-see if u wanna. ok, back to my homework.....

much love

~t

thursday july 28, 2011

i woke up so tired this morning. i HAVE to start going to bed earlier! of course, i've been saying that since i was about 6 years old too, lol. i've always had problems actually going to bed. sleeping, not so hard unless i'm wound up or caffeinated, but it's the actual act of going to bed that is so hard for me. so i made it to bed about 1:30 this morning and had to get up at 7:30 which isnt so bad but you add in the fact that i've been doing this for near on a week now so my body is seriously lacking in sleep. even now i have one of those headaches way in the back that's throbbing and chanting "sleep, sleep, sleep." however, i know if i go to sleep now i wont want to do the things i need to when i wake up. ugh i am so undisciplined!!

we had a guest speaker today so our class only lasted about 40 minutes as opposed to the usual hour. that wasnt so bad and i could have stayed at school and done all my work but amberly started band practice today so she had to be at the high school by 1. i hate being in a hurry so i just came on home, piddled a bit on facebook, had a shower, then some lunch, and now here i am. i have my textbook open and ready to work. so why am i on here? LOL because i'm a procrastinator!! no two ways about it and no way to sugar-coat it.

james was leaving out for work when i was coming in from school. i love him, he's such a sweetheart, even though, like any couple, we have our ins and outs. we get on each other's nerves (i know for a fact i get on his quite frequently) but we still love each other and he is irreplaceable in my life. no matter what happens or who comes along, he will always be my number one and i plan on keeping him forever and ever (at least as long as God wills it).

so far it hasnt been really hot outside; the sun didnt come out proper until just a little while ago, which means the mercury will probably starting rising fast. i'm so ready for fall and winter to get here; they are my favorite seasons: i love cold and rain and all that jazz. dont get me wrong, i like the heat too, i just hate the thick oppressive blanket of humidity that is a Georgia summer. early summer and late summer (right before the cool weather kicks in) are the best times in my opinion as far as summer is concerned. and i said summer way too many times in the sentence lol.

anyway, so much for my boring day so far. i am going to give this homework stuff a good ole georgia girl try. i'll most likely be back later to drone on some more, but until then, stay cool (literally, stay cool, it's hot!).

~t

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so i took a break and had a good old fashion sit-down on the front porch this evening. my shower was unexpectedly deferred so i took that opportunity to sit out and watch the rain. our front porch is very small, not much bigger than a "stoop" really, but there is an overhang and enough room to sit a camp-chair. so i sat out and took some pics, mostly of the trees and the yard, a few of the animals who were keeping me company. it was very relaxing. there was no heat, really, just a comfortable warmth that was held steady by the cool rain.

i remember when i was a child we didnt have air conditioning in our home so we always had the windows and doors open any time it was remotely warm. i cant tell you how many nights i lay and listened to the rain falling as i drifted off to sleep. it was especially comforting during the summer and early fall when the rain hitting the ground produced a certain aroma that i cant describe but anyone who grew up in the country knows what i'm talking about. i remember how happy i felt every time it rained, especially at night. i'm still that way. let someone mention rain and i'm cheesing it all the way to the bank :D

so there i was on the porch, chilling with my gypsy-doo and a couple of kitties. there was very little traffic on the road (surprisingly so) so it was pretty quiet. an ambulance went down toward the river with the lights flashing but came back with no lights within a half-hour. that was just about the extent of the excitement lol.

my bestest jackie called me and vented a little, i was happy to listen. heaven knows she listens to me vent enough; i was more than glad to return the favor. played around on my phone with the cityville hometown app then took a few more pics. might try to get them uploaded to here tomorrow while i'm somewhere with enough signal to transmit the photos properly.

i was doing fine in my own little world til the mosquitoes decided it was time for supper. down here on the river they are the size of small birds so when they start flying it's time to get inside!

so all in all it was a good day. i think i'm going to like this blogging. i dont really care if anyone reads it (not yet anyway lol) because writing helps me put things into perspective. i feel like i may be approaching an emotional turning point in my life and i'm going to have to keep a tight reign on things for a while til i get it worked out in my head.

typing helps me calm down too for some strange reason. seeing my fingers fly across the keyboard out of my peripheral vision just....soothes me. it makes me feel as though i'm accomplishing something. i've always had the problem of the words going faster in my brain than through the pencil onto the paper. that's why i always got bored of writing. not bored of composing, just bored of the actual act of writing words onto paper. i think so fast sometimes but i write slow and i just get lost. i've had access to a computer for several years now but discipline is a major issue with me so i've never really made myself sit and concentrate on putting my ideas onto "paper."

i want to write a book, a short fiction story, nothing of epic proportion. i seriously doubt you will find anything like "the stand" or "roots" come from me, lol. i dont know though, i know i have the ability, it's actually DOING it that is the problem.

i read somewhere once a famous writer said "if you wake up every morning and all you think about is writing, then you're a writer." so i guess that makes me a writer. i'm not an author yet, except for a few poems, but that's what i want to do. i think it might have been stephen king who said that but i'm not sure and i dont want to google it right now because i'll get sidetracked and never finish this entry lol. (i just heard my husband come in from work so i'm going to go ahead and cut this short anyway.)

thanks for reading, i hope that at least your eyes havent glazed over. and that you didnt fall asleep. please feel free to comment if you want. share any similar experience, memory, or idea you have, if you want. i always love hearing other people's thoughts and beliefs.

and in case you havent noticed, apostrophes and capital letters arent high on my priority list when i'm writing. that's why i like autocorrect. but i also hate autocorret. but that's a whole different kettle of fish i'll save for a future blog.

much love to you all <3

~t

so i havent said it out loud but just so you know, you hurt me. deep. and i hate to admit that because no one wants to show her vulnerability to someone who doesnt even seem to care. now when i look at you or when i see you, i have to grit my teeth. i want to ignore you but i cant. i want to yell but i cant. because even as bad as i feel, i cant bring myself to be mean to you. does that mean i'm weak? nah, i think it's because i'm too strong to let go. i'm afraid if i let go totally, i wont find control again. there is a wall, a dam, and it's holding back years and years of frustration and anger and hurt and sadness and probably a little bit every other negative emotion you can think of. you dont deserve the brunt of all that. but i think you deserve to know how bad i feel.

then you want to pretend nothing is wrong. pretend everything is normal. yeah, i guess in the long run, things are normal, things are good. what happened cant be changed, so just put on my big girl panties and deal, right? yeah. i've done that. but dealing and forgetting are two different things. i feel such negative emotions now and i hate that. spiteful and vengeful are the most prominent. it was like living thru high school all over again. which i hated. with a passion.

i just feel so vengeful. i want you to hurt the way you hurt me. i think that i want you to fail and i think that i want to see you get your due. i think i will be pleased when others find out what kind of person you can be. but in truth, none of that will make me happy. it will just make me even sadder to know that you would be hurt and that someone else would be hurt by your actions.

and do you even know how it all started? with something i said to someone who misunderstood it. and to this day i have not ever received an apology or anything saying sorry i took it wrong or sorry i jumped off the deep end or anything. that just kind of started the downhill spiral of all the sh*t that lead to me spilling my bag of beans about the stuff i knew. i probably shouldn't have done that but i felt betrayed beyond words. i guess i felt like you were betraying me so i'd do the same thing. guess that doesnt make me any better than you. and that makes me sad. not that i want to be better than anyone, but that i stooped to a level that i hate.

i guess the worst part of all of it is knowing how quick you both were to just throw away what i thought was a great friendship. do either of you have no remorse or guilt or sadness at all that our friendship is no more? am i the only one with a conscience?? how is it so easy to lie and deceive???

i dont know if you'll read this. i dont even know if you'll know it's for you even if you do read it. if so, okay. if not, that's okay too. i just needed to "voice" it and hope it will release some of the emotional pressure it's caused in my brain and my heart.

no names. not necessary. you know who you are and i know who i am. i just wish it hadnt turned out the way it did. i know i wasnt the perfect friend, but i was true.

so i've been watching the news more lately than i normally do. i used to watch it all the time but when life got busy with kids and a job and facebook i just lost track of watching it with any regularity.

yesterday i saw a news story that disturbed me (shocker!). some time ago, maybe a year or so, a woman was walking with her children. she jaywalked and a drunk driver hit her four year old son, killing the boy. the driver of the car admitted to drinking alcohol and taking prescription painkillers earlier in the evening. clearly guilty, right.....? he got six months in jail. six months. then, to add insult to injury, his lawyers are now in the process of charging the mother with several criminal counts, including jaywalking, some kind of accessory to vehicular homicide charge, and a couple others. if she is convicted, she will end up serving more time than the man who killed her son!

now, i fully understand that she broke the law by jaywalking. i get that. give her a jaywalking ticket and let that be the end of it. i also understand that if she had NOT been jaywalking, it's very well possible that her son would not have been struck and killed. but she was. further, i could even go so far as to speculate that the intoxicated driver may have made it home safe and sound with no incident. but he didnt. so he only served six months, and i say he got a heck of a deal. two wrongs dont make a right, but he got off easy and she should too. God knows both of them will have to suffer for the rest of their lives knowing that their reckless actions caused the death of another person, an innocent person, a CHILD who had his whole life ahead of him.

i wish i could shake the sh*t out of those lawyers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

in the beginning....

so i've decided to try my hand at this blogging thing. i'm probably light-years behind most everyone else in the blog world so it's probably going to be painful at first. if you do decide to follow, i pray you to bear with me; i really do have a knack for throwing words together once in a while, so you may just enjoy something occasionally. "even a blind squirrel gets a nut once in a while."

fyi: i love to use ellipses....i use them on a fairly regular basis. i abhor when people use an exclamation point after sentence!! (LOL) it drives me crazy!! ok i'll stop doing it myself....

please feel free to comment any time. please don't spam my blog, and don't post anything x-rated. i'm not a prude, but i don't want that on my page. thanks for respecting my wishes.

~t